Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Contributed by: Jeannie
Friday, October 5, 2007
Code Word
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
Contributed by: Oracle, Harsh and the archives.
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
Contributed by: Oracle, Harsh and the archives.
Close Examination
A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No"
Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Contributed by: Carole
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No"
Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Contributed by: Carole
Children's Perspective on Marriage
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE8
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
-Bert, AGE 5
HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."
-Kirsten, AGE 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, AGE 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7
Contributed by: Doron
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE8
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
-Bert, AGE 5
HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."
-Kirsten, AGE 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, AGE 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7
Contributed by: Doron
Cheerios
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?
Doughnut seeds!
Contributed by: Henrick
Doughnut seeds!
Contributed by: Henrick
Checkup from the Neck Up
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Contributed by: Joke-A-Mania and the archives
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Contributed by: Joke-A-Mania and the archives
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